How to Survive the Melbourne Tram Network
I am very aware that I have horrible luck and I have suffered more than my fair share of indignities on trams. Hopefully by sharing some of the things I have learnt along the way, I can save you from the same fate.
1. Remember where the Free Tram Zone is*. Fighting your way to a Myki reader past a smelly guy named Jeff and then realising that was unnecessary is a great way to ruin a Tuesday.
2. You don’t need to touch off your Myki on the tram. This will help you avoid a vicious death stare from me.
3. Plan ahead and assume that they will make you get off at Queensberry Street and get on the tram behind. You never have to wait that long for the next tram, but you do have to recover from the embarrassment of your route having changed.
4. Plain clothes Myki inspectors often talk to the driver when they get on the tram.
5. Don’t talk to the driver; it will make you look like a lame ticket inspector.
6. Always check the floor for spilt coffee before putting your bag down.
7. Always check the floor for spilt Slurpee before putting your bag down.
8. When someone drops a six pack of beer make sure you pick up your bag.
9. Don’t sit next to someone eating spaghetti. It’s guaranteed that they will spill it on you.
10. Open the window before you pass out from lack of oxygen.
11. Tell the person next to you that you’re not feeling well before you fall down.
12. Hold on to anything and everything**, the hand rails are there to help you.
13. Don’t just lean back on the bendy part of the inter-carriage connector and hope for the best.
14. Headphones are good if you know where you’re going, but if you need to listen to announcements to find out where you are, listen to the announcements. Especially when it’s dark.
15. Despite being a mess, Yarra Trams’ app is actually really helpful for seeing when your tram is set to arrive at your stop.
16. Always leave at least ten minutes early so you can decide not to get onto an overly crowded tram.
*I think it’s between Flinders Street Station and RMIT, but I’m probably wrong.
**Except for people named Gavin.
