Things that Piss Me Off
Hi, I'm Trent.
There are a lot of things that annoy me. Yes, I know I'm whiny and that my pet peeves are extremely petty. But don't sit there and pretend that little inconveniences don't bug the hell out of you too.
When people...
Snort and sniffle: Blow your nose. Ugh.
Seen-zone you: Don’t be rude. Just tell me you’re busy.
Don’t move down the aisle of the train: STOP BLOCKING UP THE DOORWAY.
Remain sitting on the aisle seat: Move over, unless you want a face full of crotch.
Rush to get out of the plane when the door hasn’t even opened: Sit down. You’re not going to get out any quicker; you’re just clogging up the aisle.
Say “No offence, but...”: You know you’re going to be an asshole, so just don’t say anything.
Talk on the phone when you’re trying to serve them: I’m just gonna glare at you until you’re done.
Walk slowly: I have things to do, and don’t have time to watch you have a leisurely stroll down the street.
Chew with their mouth open: SHUT YOUR MOUTH, YOU’RE NOT A COW.
Leave me a voice mail message: I’m never going to listen to it.
Get angry at people because of a dream they had: My mum is the biggest culprit of this.
Stop in the middle of the footpath: You’re just asking for me to walk into you.
Post a Mother’s Day/Father’s Day photo collage on Facebook even though their parent doesn’t have Facebook: I know you’re just looking to score some ‘likes’.
Go on a ‘Facebook cull’ and write a status about it: *Clicks 'Unfriend'*
Suddenly develop an accent when they sing: You’re not British.
‘Make a song their own’ by playing it on the acoustic guitar and just strum the basic chords: Wow, you’re so original.
Complain about the meal you just made them: I worked hard to cook you dinner. The least you can do is pretend you enjoy it.
Get annoyed at you for driving at the speed limit: If you want to get a speeding fine, by all means.
Put fountains in their front yard that don’t even work: I don’t get this at all. Redundant.
Have long fingernails: They’re germy and gross. Get them away from me.
Just don’t sit down on the tram: You’re just taking up more space.
Repeat everything they say: I heard you the first time. If I wanted to hear what you said again, I would’ve asked.
Only take one or two photos of you: The more photos, the higher the chance I'm gonna get one where I don't look gross.
Call their partner ‘baby’, ‘bub’, ‘bubby’, ‘babe’, etc.: A baby is a baby. Sexualizing babies is wrong. Also, pet names are not cute. They’re annoying and make me cringe.
Fashion
Pube jumpers: Those fluffy jumpers that look like someone’s shaved their pubes and knitted together a garment out of it.
Button-fly pants: Give me a zipper so it doesn’t look like I’m playing with myself for 30 seconds trying to button my fly up.
Mixing and matching suits: A suit is called a ‘suit’ because the pants and jacket are meant to suit!
Tying a shirt around your waist purely as an accessory: WHAT’S THE POINT??????
Longline tops: Guys, this is not a flattering look! It makes you look like you have stumpy legs.
Camo: I’m just going to pretend I don’t see anyone who wears camo.
Food
Salad dressing: Doesn’t make salad taste any better; it just makes it more soggy.
Mealy apples: Jonathan apples are the absolute worst.
No-bake cheesecake: Tastes like trash. Baked cheesecake is infinitely better.
Frozen cheesecake: Also tastes like trash.
Coffee breath: Please chew on some gum.
Rock melon/Cantaloupe: This fruit exists purely as a fruit salad filler.
Soup: A bowl of chunky blended up vegetables? No thanks.
Bags of mixed lettuce: The different types of leaves all taste bitter and gross.
Charcoal chicken shops that sell fish and chips: Know your brand.
Stingy bags of chips/Shapes: My favourite snack is air with a side of chips.
Salt and vinegar chips: I don't know her.
Linguistics
Using ‘your’ instead of ‘you’re’: For example, ‘Your dumb’. Same goes for ‘its’ and ‘it’s’.
Using ‘his’ instead of ‘he’s’: For example, ‘His smarter than you, because he knows how to use an apostrophe’.
Using apostrophes with plural nouns: For example, ‘Some idiot’s clearly failed Year 8 English’.
Not using a capital letter for people’s names: I’m very important and deserve capitalization.
Pronouncing ‘pronunciation’ as ‘pronounciation’: Too much irony and too much stupidity.
Typing ‘be’ as ‘b’ or ‘you’ as ‘u’: It’ll take you all of 1/10th of a second to type another letter or two. Don’t b lazy.
Miscellaneous
Product labels and stickers: There is no greater heartbreak in life than trying to peel off a label or sticker and half of it is stuck on your new purchase.
When a character in a movie or TV show wakes up with perfect hair and a face full of make-up: Not realistic. At all.
When actors’ names on a movie poster don’t line up with the actors’ photos: This is just confusing.
Minimum spend for free shipping: Sometimes I want a quick hit of retail therapy and don’t want to get charged an extra $10.
Lads who play music out loud on the train: If you’re going to play anything, can it at least by Touch by Little Mix?
Songs with one-note choruses: You don’t need to have the range of Mariah Carey, but at least give me an octave.
Celebrities who brand themselves as just a 'regular person': You’re rich and famous. You're not fooling anyone.
Feeling bad for asking someone to pay you back or return something to you: It just makes me feel petty, but you should be the one feeling guilty!
Public Transport Victoria: She’s the biggest mess I’ve ever seen in my life.
The fact that Selena Gomez is the most followed person on Instagram: Why is she so famous? I just don’t get it.
