Savage Red Carpet Reviews: Oscars 2018

A few days ago, I messaged my gal pal Zoe that the Oscars were coming up. Of course, we were excited to do another round of Savage Red Carpet Reviews. But a part of me was worried we wouldn't have a chance to critique these celebs' red carpet fashion choices. "I really hope people wear ugly shit so we can rip them to shreds". But I was not disappointed.

Abbie Cornish

Trent: It kind of looks like her stylist couldn’t pick between ‘20s flapper and mother-of-the-bride-at-a-church-service, so just went with something in the middle. It’s not awful by any means, but the dress just ages the poor gal. 2/5

Zoe: This makes me very uncomfortable, and she looks it too! She’s totally being swallowed by this 1920s beaded number. It’s just a struggle from head to toe. 2/5

Adam Rippon

Trent: Yes, the pants are a little big. Sure, tailcoats should never come back. And I definitely would’ve picked a different shoe. But Dadam Rippon is wearing a freaking harness at the Oscars. And I think that bow tie is also (p)leather? A look. But with the rest of his outfit? Nuh-uh. 2/5

Zoe: Ooh bringing some bondage to the runway… okay. This is definitely a look. I’m just honestly confused about the tailcoat and the cummerbund? This is truly postmodern fashion; nothing is new and existential dread is omnipresent. 2/5

Allison Janney

Trent: This is giving me Lady Macbeth vibes. And I’m triggered from Year 10 English. But this doesn’t look too bad. Just a bit dated. 2.5/5

Zoe: I’m into this, she’s serving some Melisandre realness. Definitely feeling the bright red vibes. 4/5

Allison Williams

Trent: Oh my. Yes. Yes indeed. Sis is serving classy Old Hollywood glam. I love this. I even don’t mind the pleats. Best on ground for now. 5/5

Zoe: This dress is beige in every sense of the word: boring, literally beige, and boring again. It’s been done, and it’s been done better. 3/5

Andra Day

Trent: I have so many questions. Why did she pick out a dress that makes her look like a jellyfish? Why is said dress made from a terribly outdated wallpaper print? Are those overgrown lice crawling on her head? 0.5/5

Zoe: The modern day Scarlett O’Hara. Honey, you should have left the drapes hanging and found a good stylist. The shoe is cute though. 0.5/5

Armie Hammer

Trent: This suit is a bit Hugh Hefner for me. Fits well and he looks good in anything. Just don’t like the material. Red velvet cake > Armie’s red velvet suit. 2/5

Zoe: Yes I love velvet suits. I’m into it. 4/5

Chadwick Boseman

Trent: Men get a bad rep on the red carpet. If they go with a generic suit, it’s boring. But when they take a risk, it’s usually a disaster. Not this time though. I am in love with this outfit. I could never pull it off myself, but Chadwick thoroughly works this incredible embroidered coat. And he picked the perfect boots to complete this look. 5/5

Zoe: Yes. All I can say is yes. I’m in awe. This is beautiful and every detail is so carefully chosen. This is a great suit and you can see Chadwick’s personality shine through the outfit. This is probably my best on ground so far. Iconic. 5/5

Danai Gurira

Trent: I adore this look, especially with the accessories. But WRINKLES! She should’ve sent her PA off to fetch a garment steamer before taking photos. 3.5/5

Zoe: I love a good satin gown like every woman. The shape on this is stunning. My issue is the shade of pink… girl, lotion up! This dress reads as ashy. Such a shame because I love the whole idea! 3/5

Darrell Britt-Gibson

Trent: Firstly, the jacket reminds me of Marge Simpson’s Chanel suit, and looks a bit big on him. Which is amplified by the fit of the pants; they look way too tight and much too short for him. I get showing off some ankle skin, but the hem is halfway up his calf? 1/5

Zoe: Everything about this look is screaming 15 year old birthday party in Mosman. Everything is way too small and this is a cursed image. 1/5

Elisabeth Moss

Trent: Your stock standard formal dress. Not awful, but not anything to write home about. Is this all Bariano had in stock? 2.5/5

Zoe: Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. But with the bridal looks we’ve been seeing on this red carpet, I’d prefer to be the bridesmaid. 2/5

Emily Blunt

Trent: I wonder if one of Emily’s daughters requested that she wore this Elsa from Frozen inspired dress to the Oscars. Also, I just found out that she’s married to John Krasinski. I’m shook. But anyway, I do not like the shoulder pads at all. I actually don’t mind the rest of it, though. 3/5

Zoe: No. No, I can’t review this. 0/5

Emma Stone

Trent: Girlfriend looks like she’s about to leave the office to head out to drinks with her gal pals or something. Too casual for the Oscars. The pink sash is the worst part of this look, and makes it look cheap. The jacket is also wrinkly, and it looks like the tailor had a mishap with the Janome around the midsection of it. Oops. 0/5

Zoe: No. I think women can often wear pants on the red carpet and look absolutely stunning. Check out Janelle Monae. This is just a hodge podge mess of a look. I probably would have liked it more if the jacket had been the colour of the pink bow. Also, her shoes make her look like she’s wearing an ankle monitor. 2/5

Gal Gadot

Trent: Incredible. But I don’t have a whole lot to say except that I love a sparkly queen. 4/5

Zoe: Gal always brings such amazing looks. She is so stunning and I’m actually loving this dress. It’s got a very 1920s flapper feel but a modern execution. 5/5

Gina Rodriquez

Trent: Okay, this is phenomenal. The colour, fit and extra-ness is perfect for the Oscars. I also immensely enjoy the upside down ombré moment, with the sequins slowly fading out as we move down the dress. BUT! The wrinkles!!! Guess her entourage didn’t bring a garment steamer with them to the carpet? 4/5

Zoe: This is absolutely stunning… however it is leaning a bit bridal? I love the deep V and you can never go wrong with a sequin. Girl looks real cute. 4/5

Haley Bennett

Trent: That mesh neckline is WAY too high. I feel uncomfortable looking at it. But no, that’s not it. Is Haley going bird watching after the Oscars? That would be the only reasonable explanation for why she’s inexplicably stuck grass to her dress. 0/5

Zoe: No, this is a hot glue boo boo mess. Why would you not do a whole feather gown? Could you only afford ¾? Nope. 1/5

Helen Mirren

Trent: I absolutely love this. The colour is divine. The look is so simple but works so perfectly. She’s all covered up, but still manages to look very fashionable. 4.5/5

Zoe: Queen of simplicity and elegance. Love the whole look. It’s perfectly fit to her body and accentuates all of her curves. She’s stunning. 4.5/5

Jane Fonda

Trent: You better work, ma’am! A true style icon. All the young ones should look to Jane Fonda for inspiration. Except I just noticed her shoes. Are those Jelleez? Eek. The shoes brought this look down from a 5 to… 4/5

Zoe: Yes queen. I love Jane Fonda, even though Fonda ain’t got a motor in the back of her Honda. She is looking absolutely gorgeous from head to almost toe? The shoe was a choice. I love it, ice queen realness. 4.5/5

Jennifer Garner

Trent: Been there, done that. Very typical colour you’d see at a high school formal. Not really doing anything for me. 2/5

Zoe: I’m at a standstill with my opinion on this dress. I quite like it. Once again, it’s a very commonplace dress. But the colour is so vibrant. Yeah, she’s cute. 4/5

Jennifer Lawrence

Trent: Is J Law donning chain mail for an upcoming Medieval fare? Or is she heading to the disco? Not quite sure, but I kinda dig this. I do love the wavy hair. Very late ‘00s. Into it. 4/5

Zoe: I’m confused by this dress. I love the fit and the style of the dress, especially on Jennifer’s body (lol classic Megan Fox). But I’m not a huge fan of the fabric? It’s cute I guess. 3/5

Kelly Marie Tran

Trent: We have a Viet on the red carpet! I’m so proud of my Vietnamese sister. My mum’s surname is Tran. Maybe I am related to her? I hope so, because this dress is gorgeous. I also loved her in Star Wars (the only movie I’ve seen in months). Get it. 4.5/5

Zoe: Oh honey, this V neck is giving me everything I’ve ever needed from a gown. What a queen. Still not my fave look. Again, a basic tulle/chiffon gown. But the cleavage? Amazing. 3/5

Laura Dern

Trent: This dress looks like an amateur dressmaker whipped this mess up on a Janome and Laura felt bad and decided to wear it anyway. At least, I hope that’s how this story went. 0 shape, 0 interest. 1/5

Zoe: Boring bridal again. I’m disappointed ladies. 1/5

Laurie Metcalf

Trent: Daniel Beratis would give me a crisp slap across the face if I say anything bad about Laurie. 5/5

Zoe: YES LAURIE! This is everything! Not only was her performance in Lady Bird incredible, she had to give me this too! Laurie is truly a queen of the people. This is beautiful and hugs her figure perfectly. I also love the iridescent sheen to the dress, and I do suspect it’s sequins! Love it, love her. 5/5

Lindsey Vonn

Trent: Did Ursula’s dress get put through a paper shredder? Someone needs a new stylist that isn’t too trigger happy with a hot glue gun and a box full of leftover material scrap. There are just too many textures going on. This isn’t a tasting plate. Yikes. 0/5

Zoe: From the thigh up (just after that mesh part) this dress is 100% a look and I would rate it well. From the mesh part down, girl… Who hurt you? 1/5

Lupita Nyong’o

Trent: This is everything. Lupita is a goddess blessing us with iconic red carpet looks. 5/5

Zoe: Yes, I love this dress. This is 100% definitely a Versace number and I adore pretty much anything Versace. This is so gorgeous. She looks like a glamorous warrior. The gold on her skin tone is absolutely stunning too. 5/5

Margot Robbie

Trent: I love the dress. I love Margot and her gorgeous face. But why has she draped tinsel over herself? Granted, she does look like the most beautiful Christmas tree. A bit early in the year to be dreaming of a White Christmas though, Margot. 3/5

Zoe: Yes, this is so stunning. Thank you for bringing this to the red carpet Margot. You make Australia proud! 10s, 10s, 10s across the board. Or in this case 5/5

Mary J. Blige

Trent: Ever since Kim K. rocked up to the VMAs with that wet hair look, everyone seems to want to get in on this just-got-out-of-the-shower trend. To clarify, I thought Mary J. wrapped a towel around her waist, until I realised it was attached to her dress. Not my fave, but she rocks it. 2.5/5

Zoe: I’m not sure about this bridal moment? I feel like there have been a few looks at the Oscars that are screaming Bridal A/W 2017… Not amazing. Love the bizarrely tiny bag though. 3/5

Meryl Streep

Trent: Usually Meryl finds the right balance between timeless elegance and keeping it modern. But this dress is a bit frumpy or matronly for her. And the belt situation is a bit Sussan. But that plunging neckline redeems it a bit for me. “That’s all.” 2/5

Zoe: I love Meryl, but this isn’t her strongest look. I can hear the voice of Miranda Priestly saying “A nice red dress? For the Oscars? Groundbreaking.” Sorry Meryl, but you know she’s right. 3/5

Nicole Kidman

Trent: No to the odd sweetheart neckline. No to the slit going straight up to an area I don’t want to see. No to this awful fabric. No to the gigantic bow. This is a present I don’t want. Regifting it straight away. 0/5

Zoe: This is such an interesting dress… I think I’d absolutely love it minus the giant bow on the front. But you know, the 80s are back. I don’t hate it and I actually am obsessed with this colour especially with the contrast lip. 3.5/5

Octavia Spencer

Trent: I feel like Octavia knows what she does well and sticks with it. That’s basically me saying I’ve seen this look from her before, only in different colours. She does it well though. Just not terribly exciting. 3/5

Zoe: I actually quite like parts of this dress. I think the off-the-shoulder detail is stunning and I love this forest green on her! I just feel like it reads as drapes? But it seems heavy… like it’s weighing her down. 2/5

Salma Hayek

Trent: Salma, honey. No. Just no. I hope she was paid a heck tonne of money to wear this. Because there’s no way sis put out a dime for this horrendous thing. 0/5

Zoe: OH MY GOD YES. This is everything my trashy little heart has ever wanted to see. This is iconic. This is fashion. I’m honestly so obsessed. And the purple lip? Girl, you have been in my dreams. The early 2000s are back and vengeful af. 5/5

Samara Weaving

Trent: Isn’t Samara the name of the girl in The Ring? Appropriate, given that this poor lass’ facial expression reads as vengeful and demonic. Anyway, back to the dress. It’s giving me My Little Pony vibes. That’s as much as I can comment on this terribly unremarkable gown. 2/5

Zoe: I’m not obsessed with this look. It is so commonplace to see girls rock up in this sort of tulle/chiffon ‘extravaganza’. I’m not into it. 2/5

Sandra Bullock

Trent: Without the ruffle, this dress is to die for. It looks like gold is raining down from her neck. She’s like a slot machine. I love it. And that hair is perfect with the metallic look. 3.5/5

Zoe: Oh Sandra, did Michael Caine teach you nothing? I’m not happy Jan. 2/5

Sofia Carson

Trent: I absolutely FROTH a cape. More people need to wear them. Sorry Edna Mode. Don’t slap me with a newspaper. The cape just elevates this to a whole other realm. I adore everything about this. 5/5

Zoe: This bitch went to her stylist and legit was like “How can I be the most extra person on the red carpet?” and her stylist was like “Be the damn red carpet”. Props to you and your stylist hun because this is stunning. I would have liked the waist to be a bit more cinched, but I’m living. Also, to every other girl attempting to wear chiffon on the red carpet, this is how you do it!! 5/5

St. Vincent

Trent: St. Vincent looks shook. And that’s honestly my face when I saw this picture. I’m sure most people will be most offended by the trash bag thing hanging off her arm. But I’m actually most alarmed by the odd pointy flap dangling over her netherregions. 0/5

Zoe: This is definitely couture, but sometimes it just should stay on the runway? I can definitely see the inspiration behind this outfit and I appreciate it so much. It’s just a bit of a struggle all over. Nonetheless, velvet is always a good choice. 2/5

Taraji P. Henson

Trent: Taraji is serving me a sensual gothic/Wiccan/vampire look and I love it. If she’s holding a seance, I willingly offer myself as a sacrifice. That’s how much I love this look. 5/5

Zoe: I’m not loving it. Taraji has an amazing figure but I feel like this dress is completely swallowing her up. Also as mentioned previously, a poor tulle/chiffon choice. 1/5

Timothee Chalamet

Trent: I feel like this was a go-to look for every ‘90s RnB boyband. I’m nervous for the lad. An all white suit is asking for a red wine accident. I love the boots. Boots are very underrated in menswear. It’s all about the loafer or the standard lace-up shoes. More guys need to wear boots! 4/5

Zoe: Yes Timothee! Stun them with your all white (almost) look. I love the whole thing but I’m very disappointed that he couldn’t find a good white shoe to just complete this monochromatic look. So close! Also, I’m not sure how he’ll cope with wearing white, we all know he has a penchant for peaches. 4/5

Tom Holland

Trent: I’m not really a fan of double-breasted suits. I think they’re in at the moment for menswear. Ugh. It’s fine, fits well. A part of me reckons that Tom’s wearing his Spidey suit underneath. That would make this look much more exciting. 2.5/5

Zoe: I love Tom. This is very much a 1940s James Bond look. I love the history in this outfit but sometimes, as we’ve seen above, a vintage look is not always the way to go. Props to Tom for trying something new. It’s cute but I’m not obsessed. 3/5

Viola Davis

Trent: I love this colour on Viola. What I don’t love is that scaly sequin material. Too reptilian. Maybe she’s a lizard person though. Illuminati confirmed. The hair also reminds me of Studio 54 meets Miranda Sings. 1/5

Zoe: Yes, I’m adoring this pretty in pink fantasy. Viola Davis is stunning as always and her hair is absolutely incredible. The whole look is right and I love this pink! The only issue I have is the boob cups sewn into the dress. They never work. An open letter to the fashion industry: stop sewing boob cups into dresses/tops/jumpsuits - they’re terrible. But you go Viola! 4.5/5

Whoopi Goldberg

Trent: I will not say a bad word about Whoopi. No, sir. I abstain from giving a score.

Zoe: I’m not even going to dignify this dress with an answer. She’s wearing shades on the red carpet because she knows she fucked up. 0/5

Zendaya

Trent: At the ripe old age at 21, Zendaya is already a fashion icon. This is incredible, and paired with simple jewellery and her hair done up in a bun, it’s not too excessive either. This dress also reminds me a little bit of Cadbury Flake. I love it. 4/5

Zoe: I actually wrote a negative review for this the first time I looked at it. But after letting it sink in, I actually really love this dress. I love the colour of it on her. It’s a perfect match. I just really feel that it accentuates her curves and bone structure perfectly. Also her hair looks super cute. 4/5