Savage Red Carpet Reviews: BRIT Awards 2018

The BRIT Awards celebrate the best of the best in British music. Except not really, because Little Mix were ROBBED!!! Not only did they not get a performance slot and no nomination for Best Group, they also lost in the two categories they were up for with their delectable bop Touch. This made me angry. So I grabbed my gal pal Zoe Stephens, and we're here to relieve some rage by offering our savage reviews for the BRITs red carpet!

(Also of note is that most of the celebs have a white rose as part of the Time's Up movement, sending an important messaging that sexual harassment is no longer tolerated)

Jess Glynne

Trent: Girlfriend needs to find herself a good tailor that’ll alter her clothes so she doesn’t look like she’s playing dress up in mum’s wardrobe. I’d lose the Bratz doll shoes and the eclipse sunnies too. Although her vacant expression makes me suspect that Jess might’ve been smoking a little somethin’ before the show. 1/5

Zoe: I’m 100% living for the crimped, frizzy freaky friday mess of her hair and the attention to trends with the extra small Matrix-esque sunglasses. I wouldn’t lose the Bratz doll shoes, they’re a look. They’re just not a look with this nightmare in beige moment.

2/5

Emma Bunton

Trent: I’m getting dominatrix vibes from this, which I love. The trench coat dress is a bit overdone at this point. I’d lose the white pumps too. Also, when did Baby Spice start looking like Kristin Chenoweth? 2/5

Zoe: I love this… She is giving me Jane Bond realness. I love the cut of this trench coat around the bust and the split at the bottom. It’s just I’m not feeling the vinyl? I think that was a trend of 2016/17 that should probably stay there. On top of that, the white pumps cheapen the whole look, and to be honest I didn’t think it could look cheaper. 2/5

Little Mix

Trent: First things first, I love Little Mix. But I’ve noticed something about the girls: when they rock up to a red carpet, usually three out of the four get it right, with one of them wearing something odd. This time it was Leigh-Anne. Which stylist told you to wear a sheer polka dot robe? Fire them, honey!

On the other hand, Jade, Jesy and Perrie are giving me life. Sure, Perrie’s dress borders on matronly, but the boobage! YES! And though I’m not usually a fan of Jesy’s style, her olive green leather jumpsuit is a look. (From left to right) Jade 4.5/5, Leigh-Anne 2/5, Jesy 4/5, Perrie 3.5/5

Zoe: Okay so honestly I can’t tell the difference between any of these women, nor do I know their names. But I don’t hate the sheer polka dot robe, I’m actually into it. I love the off-the-shoulder moment. I’m getting 3rd wife coming downstairs to find her husband murdered in the kitchen (which she had arranged 2 weeks prior) and slipping into this number as she calls the police and gets questioned. The fact is that perhaps it looks odd, but what if Rihanna was wearing it? Definitely a look. 3.5/5

I don’t know who styled Perrie. Is she pregnant? I’m not actually sure. I wouldn’t be shocked if she was. This look is like a series of mistakes held together by the tears of Trent Vu. Why would you make the top half of a skirt sheer? What purpose does that serve unless you’re going to rock some wild bedazzled underwear. It’s boring. 2/5

Jade is giving me classic elegance. I can’t fault this look other than the fact that it’s been done before and done better. But it’s good. No complaints. 4/5

Now on to Jesy… I love the contrast between the olive green jumpsuit and the strawberry blonde hair. The pants are such an awkward fit, I just don’t think it flatters her body shape. From the waist up it is 100% a gorgeous look but from the waist down it’s just a bad pair of chaps. 3/5

Rochelle Humes

Trent: Ma’am, this is not a good colour for you. Not a good colour for anyone actually. The lace and the cut are giving me Bariano vibes, and I don’t like it. Except this dress looks like a Targét knock off of that kind of dress. Except I have a feeling that this former member of The Saturdays paid a lot more for it. I feel like going with straight hair could’ve taken this up a notch. The dress fits her very well, and I like the shoes. 1.5/5

Zoe: I’m having flashbacks to 2009 and my first year of high school with this look. Did this girl break into Valleygirl, Sportsgirl, or any other teen fashion store? The length and the fit are right but the dress isn’t. This is like a terrible fever dream of 2009. My lawyer will be contacting you for the pain and memories you have willingly caused. 2/5

Louisa Johnson

Trent: For those who don’t know Louisa, she rose to prominence after winning The X Factor U.K. But this dress is far from a winner. In fact, if she entered it into a fashion competition, she’d probably be turned away at the door. Nothing about this is good. It’s wrinkly, the cut and cut outs are awful, and she definitely should’ve picked a different coloured shoe. Yikes. 1/5

Zoe: Okay Margot Robbie… wait… Louisa Johnson? I feel like the Emerald City is embarrassed that you’re out here ruining the good name. The contrast between the loose fabric and the extremely tight areas is too much. Girl, I don’t think satin is for you. I do love the colour, that’s perhaps the only thing I love. 1/5

Jessie Ware

Trent: The BRIT Awards red carpet needs to have some PA running around with a garment steamer to straighten out the wrinkles from everyone’s dresses. I don’t mind this look from the waist up (yes to the earrings!), and from the thigh down. But what is going on at her waist? The hem also looks uneven - was the asymmetry intentional or did Jessie whip out her Janome to put together this number the morning of? 2/5

Zoe: Wow. I feel like Perrie Edwards and Jessie Ware could start up a matronly cult, this is really giving me wives from the Handmaid’s Tale. This is definitely a choice. The wrong choice. I’m living for the pop of colour in the earrings, but she’s not giving me enough to live for to be honest. What have the BRIT Awards come to? I think everyone else lost the will to live too. 1/5

Justin Timberlake

Trent: J.T. is giving me hot food critic realness with this outfit. He looks mighty fine from the ankle up. The red scarf gives this double-breasted navy suit something a little extra. While I like the boots as a solitary piece of clothing, I don’t think it looks good with the rest of the outfit. Perhaps a black boot or a more formal pair of shoes would’ve fit better. He’s still a DILF though. 3.5/5

Zoe: Justin Timberlake is iconic and loveable in any look (except during his SuperBowl performance. Yikes). It’s hard to fault men in suits (because they literally all look the same). Justin is bringing in some personal touches with the scarf and the double breasted jacket. The shoes are definitely the biggest question mark in this whole ensemble. Justin should know better and I’m disappointed in him. 3/5

Millie Bobby Brown

Trent: Maybe it’s just because it’s been recently confirmed that she’s dating Jacob Sartorius (*vomit*), but I’m really not liking this. The length of the dress is a little awkward for me. I think it would look much nicer had it gone down to the floor. On the other hand, the bodice looks slightly too long. I know she’s only fourteen, but if she’s old enough to date, she’s old enough to banish these cutesy frilly dresses from her wardrobe. 1/5

Zoe: I love Millie Bobby Brown and she definitely delivered tonight. It’s gorgeous from head to toe. The dress is so simple and pretty, and age appropriate! It’s bringing back all those SJP memories from Paris in her mille feuille gown. Gorgeous, simple, elegant. ⅘

Jennifer Hudson

Trent: I’ll do a compliment sandwich for this one. I love Jennifer. She’s an incredible vocalist and a great Coach on The Voice (both on the U.S. and U.K. versions). I don’t really like the fit of the dress. It’s too loose, and makes her look like a shar pei. I’m also not a fan of the different textures. But I like the colour! 2/5

Zoe: Jennifer, you’re definitely not my Dreamgirl in this look. I love the colour, but everything is wrong? The fit is not there. You have a gorgeous body and this dress is your inner saboteur, covering up all the beauty. Let that dress go. And while you’re at it, let your stylist go. You’re too beautiful to be smothering underneath a red plastic tablecloth. 1/5

Calvin Harris

Trent: I like this suit. It’s different, and not your run-of-the-mill grey suit. It kind of looks like a static TV screen, but I wouldn’t mind staring at Calvin all day. The pants are a smidgen too long, so an inch or two off the hem would’ve received a perfect score from me. 4/5

Zoe: Once again, a man in a suit is not much to remark on. I’m into it. I love the use of a pattern. It’s nice to see men go with patterns as opposed to basic black suits sometimes. I think it’s fun and different. Good on you Calvin. 4/5

Camila Cabello

Trent: Opting for an ethereal Cinderella-esque moment, Camila picked a flowy, powder blue dress from the BRIT Awards. While the dress does look quite pretty, she does sacrifice flowiness for a lot of shape. I might’ve also picked a slightly more pale shade of blue. 3.5/5

Zoe: It’s nice, I guess? I get the whole aesthetic of it but it’s not my cup of tea. That’s all. 3/5

Kylie Minogue

Kylie: Oh me, oh my. Kyky 100% scored this trench coat for 25% off at Sussan. At least she looks pleased with herself for finding this bargain. The red pumps also look very cheap. And girlfriend also looked like she wanted to save some coin hiring a hairstylist. And that’s how you do BRIT Awards on a budget! 1/5

Zoe: Oh Kylie, if you ever want to compete with Kylie Jenner, you need to up your game and move past Jacqui E, Portmans, or any other basic women’s workwear store. I’m more intrigued at what’s underneath that basic trench coat. Is it a stylish satin slip? I guess we’ll never know. 1/5

Sam Smith

Trent: On close inspection, I’m not sure if the pants and jacket actually match. Which is a problem for me. A suit is called such because the pants and jacket are meant to suit!!! The pants look a little too loose as well, whereas the blazer looks slightly too tight for Sam. I do not like the rust and sapphire blue colour combo either. 1/5

Zoe: This is a nice suit, but the clothes are wearing him and he’s not wearing the clothes. Sam, you look like a little boy whose mother is forcing him to try on suits for his upcoming bar mitzvah. This is unfortunate. 1/5

Hailey Baldwin

Trent: Is the dress black and blue or white and gold? Remember when that happened? I love the Internet. I like the black lip, which gives an edge to the look. The dress fits her like a glove, but I’m just not keen on the scaly material. Also, why is she at every red carpet event? Is she destined to be the next Heidi Klum? 2.5/5

Zoe: Girl, I have no idea why you’re at these events, but I’m glad you are. This is a look head to toe. I’m loving the whole thing. The electric blue and black contrast is amazing and you can never go wrong with a bit of a sequin. The fit is perfect, body is right, and dress is iconic. Her hair and makeup is on point for this look, I love the muted eye with the dark lip. Winning. 5/5

Cheryl Cole & Liam Payne

Trent: I’ll start with Daddy Liam first. I have been loving the powder blue suit look that’s been the big menswear trend, but I actually like how he’s decided to pair it navy pants and shirt (I know I said I didn’t like mismatching suits, but I don’t mind it here). I just think that he could’ve gone with some more formal footwear. Although sneakers on a red carpet is a mood.

I’m not too keen on Cheryl’s dress, especially with the shoe choice. Too many bits hanging about. The top of her dress looks like black caviar. Or like she’s been swallowed whole by those sticky black things in The Incredibles that were shot at Bob as he tried to escape that room with the secret computer (you know what I’m talking about). Liam 4/5, Cheryl 2/5 (side note: I wonder who’s looking after baby Bear...)

Zoe: I hate Liam’s look. I don’t even want to review it. This is the BRITs. Don’t show up unless you’re going to wear something decent. It’s disrespectful. 1/5

Cheryl Cole brought it with the couture realness. I love it. The whole concept is great. It’s something you would have expected to see on RuPaul’s Drag Race (the Floral runway). It’s stunning. From the detailing on the shoes to the exaggerated floral neck, it is unique. Walking art. 4/5

Rita Ora

Trent: So there were these jumpers that were all the rage in women's fashion a few years back. They were kind like mohair, but cheaper. If you Google Image search ‘fluffy jumper’, it’ll come up. But anyway, I started calling them ‘pube jumpers’, because they looked like someone had shaved their pubes and knitted together a garment with them. This dress reminds me of that. This is a mess. A disgusting, pubey mess. 1/5

Zoe: Yes! This is what I came for. Ostrich feather gown, duh. I love this. This is an obscene statement of wealth. I’m here for it. I adore ostrich feather clothing because it is so reminiscent of old Hollywood and actresses such as Marilyn Monroe, Mae West, and Rita Hayworth. I’m not a huge fan of the subtle ombre. I think it ruins the look. If it had been in a mauve or purple, it would have been absolute heaven. 4/5

Luke Evans

Trent: Luke Evans could wear anything and pull it off. Well he probably wouldn’t look so hot in Louisa Johnson’s dress though. This grey suit is kind of eh. Not bad, but not anything to write home about either. I just needed more man candy on this list. 2.5/5

Zoe: Luke Evans is stunning. I’m already keen on the look and I haven’t even seen the clothes yet. It’s a simple charcoal suit with black lapels, but at least it’s not a simple black suit with black lapels. There are some elements of individuality, but once again it’s hard to review something as basic as a suit. It’s cute, everything fits right, a little bit wrinkled. But above all, Luke Evans is wearing it. 3/5

Dua Lipa

Trent: This is extra af and I’m actually here for it. Usually I’m not really a fan of a mullet dress (those dresses that are short in the front and long in the back), but I feel like this dress needs that. Showing off some leg makes it not so quinceañera. The strappy heels helps to balance out the pritzyness of the dress too. 3.5/5

Zoe: I sort of like this? It seems oddly reminiscent of Kendall Jenner’s dress for the Golden Globes. I feel like it’s been done? I do love a woman’s ability to take over the majority of the photograph purely with her outfit. I like the colour but I feel that she’s drowning in it? She definitely could have gone brighter. 3.5/5

Ellie Goulding

Trent: I’m not so much of a fan of the ‘80s-by-way-of-red-dancing-lady-emoji look for Ellie. It also just seems a little too casual for the red carpet. Speaking of which, why did she think it was a good idea to match the red carpet? Girlfriend also needs to do her hair, so she doesn’t just look like she’s going out for evening drinks with the girls. 2/5

Zoe: I know people have been saying the ‘80s are back, but I don’t think this ever needed to come back. Honestly. To quote Mike Wazowski, “put this thing back where it came from or so help me.” Does anyone really want to serve ‘80s prom at the BRITs? 1/5

Ed Sheeran

Trent: This is a new pose. I’m naming it ‘Manspreading but not even on the train’. This is your average suit. It looks a smidgen to big on poor Ed. I think I just yawned a little. Also, why is he just so awkward looking? He looks like he might’ve left his best mate’s wedding and just stumbled onto the red carpet by chance. 2/5

Zoe: Oh God. As the award season starts again, I am reminded that Ed Sheeran seems to be incapable of assimilating into human culture. Is he an alien or just a very confused British man? Who knows. I have now stumbled across the basic suit that I’ve mentioned previously. It’s boring, basic, Becky. 1/5

Paloma Faith

Trent: Another loose shar pei dress. But this time, it’s disco edition! I reckon if Paloma got rid of the ruffle, it wouldn’t look too awful. But at the moment, there’s just too many textures and patterns going on and I’m honestly just perplexed. It’s kind of like a Frankenstein dress. In a strange way, I actually like her hair? Bangs bangs into the room. 1.5/5

Zoe: I don’t know who this woman is and after this awful contribution to fashion, I don’t want to. This isn’t the 2016 Met Gala. Silver looks were literally 2 years ago honey. This is all too much, but I don’t mind the shoes. 1/5

Haim

Trent: There is too much going on here. There are more ruffles than a bag of Smith’s chips. Which actually wouldn’t too hard to beat, because they’re so stingy. Each girl’s individual dress is busy enough as it is, but put together, it’s just overwhelming me. My head hurts. Speaking of which, it looks like they’re surrounded by a halo of floating dandruff? (From left to right) Este 2.5/5, Danielle 2/5, Alana 1.5/5

Zoe: I love this. I feel like it’s a physical embodiment of the separate moods induced by the Kim Kardashian couch meme. They are doing the most and I appreciate that. They’ve all chosen a colour scheme and stuck to it, which I get. It is over the top but I’m not that mad? I don’t know their individual names so they’re getting a group rank. 3/5

Fleur East

Trent: Again, TOO much. At this point, they should send out a memo in the BRIT Award invitation email to keep it simple. This is a hot mess. I would’ve been slightly more easy to digest had she not gone for the leg slits on the pants and tied that white sash around herself. The straight leg pants just aren’t doing it for me either - it would’ve been hot had she picked a slimmer cut. 1/5

Zoe: Yes girl!!! This is what I wanted. This look is a culmination of all the Thirst Traps from 2016. She’s got that velvet figure hugging suit on, her body is right and snatched, and just a little bit of cleavage. I love this natural curl too. You do you, girl. I’m into it. 4/5

Pixie Lott

Trent: This. Is. GORGEOUS. The colour and cut is divine, and it fits Pixie exquisitely. The bejeweled midsection takes it to a whole new level. I’m shook. Definitely the best on ground for me. Apparently, she flashed her v on the red carpet, so I love her that much more. 5/5

Zoe: Yeah… it’s cute. This is something Paris Hilton would have worn back in 2002 and I would have loved it. But it’s not Paris. I love the fit. The colour is definitely in this season, so kudos to that. She looks a little basic though? Have fun at homecoming, girl! 4/5

Courteney Cox & Johnny McDaid

Trent: To be fair, Courteney came to support her partner at this awards show so might not have wanted to get too fancy. But that doesn’t mean you can’t glam up a little! Or at least not look like you’re going to a parent-teacher interview. Johnny’s get up is equally bland. Courtney 0/5, Johnny 1/5

Zoe: You come in here and you treat this like a joke. I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you! How dare you! 0/5

Mollie King

Trent: Mollie, a former member of the girl group The Saturdays, looks like she’s reading to work a staircase in her performance of You’re The One That I Want in an off-West End production of Grease. The top and clutch are a little odd, and shoes look a little loose on her. But that skirt! I love a leather skirt moment. 2/5

Zoe: Mollie King is serving Michelle Pfeiffer realness. If you haven’t seen Grease 2 or Batman Returns, you better go watch them now. This is the total embodiment of Pfeiffer’s characters in both of those films. I love it, however, it’s a bit pedestrian for the BRITs. Nonetheless, a good look. 3/5

Troye Sivan

Trent: I know pants that are a little too short are a thing. But isn’t it usually to show off a bit of ankle? Without the exposed ankle skin, it just looks like he shrunk his pants in the wash and didn’t have time to run out and get a new pair. I do get a Van Helsing/Spike from Buffy vibe from this look though, which I love. However, the jacket looks a bit too big on his teeny frame, so Troye should’ve opened it up or ditched it at home. 3/5

Zoe: Troye Sivan looks like every gay guy I encounter on a Thursday night. It’s cute, but looks like he’s wearing his dad’s leather jacket from the 80s, which I could get into... but it’s way too big. 3/5

Maggie Rogers

Trent: This is a mood. The oversized jumpsuit kind of gives me TLC vibes. Although this one is a bit too puffy looking for me. And the shoe choice is awful. It also looks like the hem is caught under her heel. Watch out, girl! 2.5/5

Zoe: I can totally see the inspiration behind this outfit. It falls into the sports luxe, semi-tailored, baggy fashion moments of 2017. The top is a basic off-the-shoulder and I don’t care for it. The pants, however, if they were hemmed more would be an incredible look. I love the high-waisted cinched detail contrasted with the oversized nature of the pants. It is definitely a look, a mood, a lifestyle of 2018. Just do it right next time! 3.5/5

Emma Willis

Trent: First of all, cut the hem sis! That’s just asking for trouble. No one wants to fall over on a red carpet. Because she’s wearing a slim jacket, pairing it was a slimmer pair of pants would have made more sense. Like with Camila, I would’ve opted for a slightly more muted shade of blue. But from the waist up, I don’t actually hate this. And her hair is on point! 3/5

Zoe: Does she have feet? What shoes was she wearing? We don’t know. That’s a mystery. I kind of like the choice of colour. It wouldn’t be my go to, but it’s fun. I love the jacket. It’s definitely the highlight of the look. It cuts right. It’s the perfect size of oversized. The pants let this look down. Girl, go for straight leg! The hair is a mood. Waist up, iconic! Waist down, girl get your life. 3/5

#Culture